I feel I have been on a search for self and for God, since I was 11 or 12 years old.
God and I have a relationship and well for what its worth I even have a relationship with myself.
I have felt like I was hatched at birth though. No one could change that feeling. When you have been in the foster system, then group homes, and finally adopted; you keep hoping for everything to change that feeling.
Let me just say, I adore my adoptive mother so much that I really don’t refer to her as adoptive; but there is a separation in the fact of who gave birth to me.
When you have memories with the one who gave birth to you, you don’t wonder if you have been hatched. You can meet all the relatives in the world and nothing will change that feeling. I was told I was shown where they put her ashes and yet I have no recollection of seeing it. I was like 30 something.
After many years of search and trying to find siblings I took a break. I couldn’t handle any more drama.
Within 12 years of finding people: 1 aunt passed away, 1 great-aunt passed away, 1 uncle passed away, and my maternal grandmother passed away in the biological family.
In like 16 years I had 3 cancer scares and two surgeries and scared as hell going through them. Though during one, they said I was preaching about Jesus.
Let me also say my mom (adoptive for clarification) has been so supportive as was my dad (adoptive) when he was alive, in fact they took a few of us out to eat Chinese.
I wish I understood before all of this that all families are messed up in some degree. You will never make me change my mind about that.
You can dress a family up make them sophisticated religious whatever, families are messy, period!
I think in years past, I would have been a lot easier on my parents had I understood this concept. My adoptive parents looking at everything they were golden. They love me so much and I do them well even though my dad has passed away. It’s so hard to say still because I really want to ask his opinion on things.
Not that I would change now but, maybe even to fight again. It’s so silly. I miss my dad. This is maybe part of my search, realizing he and my mom really are the answer to my search since I was 12 even.
I just want answers to the biological side. One minute I was going to take a bus to Kokomo Indiana for the summer, instead the next, my sisters and I pack up in a car with 4 hours’ notice and we are off headed to Howard county.
It wasn’t that much longer, we took another trip to Evansville Indiana to meet my aunt by marriage, great-aunt, and maternal grandmother. We visited graves in 2 or 3 cemeteries.
We visited several libraries and read microfiche files and newspapers and phone books. We started looking at inmates in prison that were online.
My one sister and I even went cold door knocking in North St Louis City, we had a guy drop a bag and run because he thought we were process servers.
We did lots of cold phone calls as well. We wanted answers. I still want answers, but I probably won’t get them all.
Thanks for reading!