It’s Time to Persevere and Break Through

It’s time to persevere and break through. Sometimes it’s the tears and the sadness that holds you back. It all turns to anger on the inside. The words of love and care go by the way side as a few well-meaning folks do their best to console you during the hard times. Ultimately, it’s all turned into fear.

You freeze up and stand still. The price of freezing up is one you cannot afford. For if you’re not growing, you’re dying and soon you cannot even recognize your own face in the mirror. Your life is just motionless. You cannot even fake it anymore.

The words of comfort are often; “you’re stronger than you think you are. It’s not near as bad as you think it is. You can get through this. Hang tough! Keep your chin up! Don’t let it get you down. There are people a lot worse off than you. You don’t have to let this take you out!”

They are all true and they are all good things to say and help a friend or loved one when they are down.

Maybe the most valuable thing I have found is listening to someone else and getting out of my own head for a while. You can look all over and find the one who has a lot of the answers. I have come to tell you this one thing.

No matter what we each believe, no matter who that person is or how strong they are, we each have our own kryptonite.

I was walking in my side walk to the front porch of my apartment today and my legs were so swollen and so heavy. I kind of screamed out I needed help and I told God I can’t do this alone! I was in tears and it’s like I heard Him say, “No you can’t do it alone.”

Every human being I have met has something in their past they are not proud of. If you need specifics, please talk to my family. I am sure they have more than enough stories to fill itching ears with, about me.

I haven’t always been the most upright person. I have not always been loving, truthful, conscientious, respectful, or even likeable. When they get tired of talking, I am sure they will send you on your way and you will have more than enough ammunition to try and hit me with.

Let me just say one more thing about my family. My mom would wonder why you need this information. She would offer to pray with you and tell you, I am not the same as I was back then.

You want to find out my sins and character defects go ahead. I’ll list what I can. If you talk about maybe, you’ll leave the next guy alone. If you want me to try and live perfectly you better move on.

All I can do is give you my best and that changes daily and moment to moment. I won’t try to be a perfectionist for you or be a robot and live up to what you think I should be. I can’t even do that for myself.

In the past I’ve talked about only trusting authority type figures who admit life is hard and they struggle. I love pastors who walk with a limp. I love them when they say life is hard. Its not that I love that they struggle, its I love them because they are being real. Yeah, I yelled at the wife, slammed the door, and cussed someone out.

Maybe someone was fasting and someone else didn’t put something back right in the fridge. When the blood sugar got too low and they needed that item and they are about to lose it and scream at everyone until they found the orange juice and cheese.

Here’s the reality. We don’t need to be gossiping about one another. Like it or not, we all fall in at some point, oh but we have our cover for it. We are all just trying to make it through the present twenty-four hours with out the extra added stress.

Anytime we gossip about another we are letting others know a bit more about us and if we are willing to gossip to someone about someone else that just they are next in line and you’ve given them the heads up. It’s definitely not cool.

So, let’s take each other’s hand and walk past all the monsters that once were and go on home. Together we can do it!

Thanks for reading!

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I Need To Feel Free To Write Anything

Don’t be surprised if I end up using some cuss words in this. This writing is just a sounding board; so, I can see, hear, and feel, my thoughts and feelings.

If you have judgments, please make them and move along. I am not here to argue with anyone.

I have been going through depression for some time now. I was headed upwards a little bit until Wednesday of this week.

My health is a problem again. I have become immune to one of the strongest oral antibiotics there is. We are doing a last-ditch effort with a cocktail of antibiotics 3 of them 2 or 3 times a day.

If This doesn’t work, we go back to a Picc Line which wasn’t all that bad, but it really limited me and was hell because I was always afraid of it coming out.

Do I know others have it much worse than me? Yes, I do. That’s them and not me. I have to live in this skin for however long or short, of time I have.

As long as I am being real, and all this is really hard when the first part of my depression had to do with deaths and just trying to heal from grieving. I feel things so deep that my soul hurts. I was more into solutions before the depression hit.

I’ll lighten up here some. I went in the last couple of times to get my CBC (Complete Blood Count). The phlebotomist who happened to be manager of that department, was the lucky one I got.

She just doesn’t get my sense of humor which is usually dark and dry.  I asked the driver to pick that cranky woman up a sense of humor, when he dropped me off.  The truth is I may have used alternative wording, but its not necessary to repeat.

Now I really cannot judge crankiness. I have my moments. Get me around technology phones & stupid laptops you’ll hear me cuss and scream when trying to do a conference with my therapist. I used to be a lot savvier with technology. It’s a changed world out there.

Now back on track, I am in thought everyday on my own mortality. I am worried I can’t give hope anymore. I remember the guy so full of hope even when he was failing in everything. He definitely failed in love.

He wanted to love and there was something pure in that want. I am not sure he ever knew how to love. You may think this is self-pity but its reality.

I have been having flash backs from really bad times in my life. This has been happening for over a year. (I am not suicidal). Its not something you share every day or every time you meet with a therapist.

It’s just a fact. It is creepy what’s worse is when they come in forms of a church you kinda grew up in til about 12 or so, and you see everyone in church standing and singing hymns.

I want to get out from under the black cloud following me. Sometimes, that’s easier said than done. Glad I got to share this burst of sunshine with everyone. Just a spoonful of arsenic goes a long way over a period of time! The dark side of Mary Poppins!

Thanks for reading!

What Seems To Be Working Today in Survival

Hi Everyone! This is my first attempt back at trying to write anything in several weeks.

I promise to be just as surprised as you when I figure out the title and technical stuff. Sometimes its just writing until you figure where you are after a long break. I know ultimately, we choose how to deal with stuff that comes our way. Sometimes our choice is to have a breakdown and not deal at all.

I don’t deal well with death. However so far this year, I sure have had lots of experience in the choice of letting it trigger things in me and not dealing with them. You go through the emotions and stages of grief. What I find is mine always goes back to the last hardest death to accept. It takes its toll on a person and you start questioning everything in your life.

You lack the confidence of living everyday life. Social things are a burden. You find yourself laughing uncontrollably or sobbing and feeling like your guts are going to burst out any moment. Both seem to be unacceptable. The question you ask everyone around you or perhaps you want to as but don’t; What’s wrong with me? No one knows, but you. After you say you’re fine so many times, that will ultimately be your answer from others, as well.

There comes a point where you have to deal. If you don’t, it will swallow you up and suck the ever-living life out of you.

I was drowning and didn’t know it. I was drowning in my emotions and trying to evade the real issues. I still continue to do that on a smaller scale now. I still have areas to work on. I have responsibilities. I have let some friendships down. I’ve quit returning phone calls and emails. It’s been a slow process to even allow some phone calls. One or two really.

When this first happened, someone came over and sat with me for a few hours. That was a huge blessing because he wasn’t there to fix anything listen and be sarcastic with me and hug me. I am still having problems socially and feel awkward. The deal is I may always feel awkward. I have been ill off and on.

What is working is telling someone I am okay, or I am not okay, but I will try some of our suggestions as prayer meditation and listening to others. Telling people when I am scared. There’s a few of us we get on the phone together, we see each other each week usually more than once a week with some of us. We do some of the same things together at the same time.

I could not sleep so I watched a couple of movies. The last one was called “DAD” Jack Lemmon Ted Danson  A 1989 comedy/drama movie.

It was something that tortured my emotions but at the same time process stuff. That’s how I ended up here. Writing works for me, when I can do it. I can only tell you my story. There is no magic wand. We all have to find our way. If I can share what I find though, maybe it will save a few steps for someone else.

Thanks for reading!

Whatever The Problem Seems, Is Only A Symptom

Photo by Nik Shuliahin on Unsplash

I am very blessed to be here regardless of my consistency. I know today I am doing the best of my ability. Just because I miss some days in my writing, it doesn’t mean I am a failure. I am trying to do new things each day and dealing with everyday life is exhausting.

The most important job we will ever have, is taking care of ourselves. Recognizing signs of our struggles and swallowing some huge chunks of truth about ourselves, is not the same as take what you want and leave the rest.

The secrets I had were land blasting my family. What I mean is people tried to tell me from the get-go, my problems were of my own making. I always said oh, but no! You have not met my family! If you had my family you’d run too, you’d drink too, you’d want to commit suicide too!

I apologize to my family throwing them under the bus like that. After all, as a good addict and alcoholic, I needed someone to blame. I blamed my family and took no responsibility for myself. Therefore, nothing could be healed, nor forgiven. No peace could be made.

History repeat itself time and time again, until we do take responsibility for ourselves. That thing about we are responsible for our own happiness; I believe in that! I also believe God wants to bless us with happiness.

Here’s the deal. He cannot bless us if we are not willing to take responsibility. Its all about this one important step after we have laid a foundation of what we believe. The one important step to me, has to do with honest. We admitted to God, our self, and another human being the exact nature our wrongs.

I just wanted to point out others wrongs and yell, “they made me the way I am!”  Guess what? They weren’t the ones detained at any time, they weren’t the ones having to get treatment. They weren’t hospitalized or drunk and high. I was! Me! I am the problem. Everything I did was just a symptom. The problem lied within me. At The root of it all was the seven deadly sins.

7 Deadly Sins

  1. Lust
  2. Gluttony
  3. Greed
  4. Laziness
  5. Wrath
  6. Envy
  7. Pride

All of them boiled down to one thing. Fear. Fear is why I had resentments. I couldn’t face the truth of it all. The funny thing is, you don’t just discover this once and recover. It takes time to work through each thing.

In the end, it is the truth that sets you free. You learn to forgive, because it will eat you up otherwise. Besides that, I can say there’s always a bunch of forgiveness I have to ask others for. It’s only a day at a time.

Thanks for reading!

The Most Complicated Relationship is With Myself

Photo by Tim Goedhart on Unsplash

The most complicated relationship I have, is the one I have with myself. If I allow the relationship with myself to be complicated, the rest of my relationships will also be complicated.

We can go back and admit we are not responsible for the things that happened to us as a child. At some point, we have to figure out when our own age of accountability started and fix the wreckage of our past.

This is not an easy task as I found myself saying none of it counted against me. Before you know it, I wasn’t taking any responsibility at all for myself.

In my recovery from the life I created, I have learned self-care is the most important part. Self-Care begins when we start taking responsibility.

I am responsible for five things:

  • What I Watch
  • What I Say
  • What I Do
  • What I Believe
  • Who & What I Allow in My Life

There comes a point where you get tired of going around the same mountain; to just end up where you have always been, doing the same thing you have always done, and expecting different results.

Today I am trying to do different, though given the day I can be in my old hateful ways. I feel like, I am wanting to gravitate more to the things I was created for. I believe God created all of us for happy, joyful, purposeful, and loving lives.

When I choose to not take responsibility for myself, I am choosing to make things harder and more complicated than they need to be. When I take responsibility for myself then I am choosing to be free.

When I began the path of recovery, I was ignorant of the fact I had so many choices to make. It was scary and sometimes still is scary. When I tell the truth about myself, that is when I can be fearless of the secrets I have kept.

I don’t have to tell your story today to make me feel better. That’s not my place. Believe me also when I say, that kind of behavior no longer makes me feel better about myself. Everyone has their own story and what they must own up to. That’s the only way healing can happen.

I have never been good at debates. I can’t allow myself to be baited into them either. If I allow that today, I end up hurting myself worse than my opponent. If you can handle it, I say go for it. It’s just something I cannot do today. I want a simple life.

I want a life where I can uncomplicate things by telling the truth, being forgiving, loving, and let the crap go.

If I am trying to please you just to get your acceptance, it’s still not a friendship. I have to let go of the lies, bitterness, and resentments. There are days I still speak harsh words and believe me I pay for it when I do.

May I remember to speak in love no matter the circumstances.

A prayer I happen to know:

“God, I offer myself to Thee–to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!”

Thanks for reading!

 

 

 

 

Practicing Love My Prayer And Meditation Today

Photo by Felix Koutchinski on Unsplash

Today I am sharing my Meditation and prayer from a book called Twenty-Four Hours a Day by The Hazeleden Foundation.

Meditation for the Day

I will practice love, because lack of love will block the way. I will try to see good in all people, those I like and also those who fret me and go against the grain. They are all children of God. I will try to give love; otherwise, how can I dwell in God’s spirit whence nothing unloving can come? I will try to get along with all people, because the more love I give away, the more I will have.

Prayer for the Day I pray that I may do all I can to love others, in spite of their many faults. I pray that as I love, so will I be loved.

It is a messy world we live in today. I imagine it has always been messy since the beginning of time. For me when I drank and did things; it was to escape and somehow in my thinking it would all disappear.

I often felt hollow inside and I really couldn’t deal with reality. I still find I can do things to escape and not deal with reality. But knowledge of this and confronting it can be the beginning of tearing down the strongholds that keep me bound to the past.

The feelings come back of past events and embarrassing moments in my life. When I am unable to love, is when I am trying to block everything out.
The first step always seems to be turning things over to God and admitting our wrongs immediately. I always say this process is sometimes quickly and sometimes slower.

When I give love that’s when I can be in God’s presence and definitely the only way I know how to forgive. Forgiveness out of me alone without help from God is impossible.

There are things in me that crop up too, and those as well I have to forgive myself for. If I don’t, I am only blocking The Son Light of the Spirit.

Its when I see the faults in others, I am reminded of doing the very same things but my false-self will try to deny all of them at a chance to revive itself so that I may die.

It’s the lies, pride, and greed that’s after our soul. If we lose our soul what good is life and what meaning does it have left? To let our false-self have control means we are empty and hollow.

I don’t want to be apart from God today. Every day is its own battle to keep the authentic-self God created me to be, close to Him and in His perfect love.

I know that God is merciful and more than patient with me daily. Without his patience, forgiveness, and love I cannot give love.

It’s a process beyond words as it has real mean and a life saving gift.

Today I pray, I am giving the best love I can.

Thanks for reading!

How Do I Love Others As Myself ?


Photo by Jon Tyson on Unsplash

Welcome to February, Everyone!
My consistency is still lacking. But here I am showing up.

This month for a lot of people they seem to put a lot of emphasis on love.
The thing that comes to mind, is learning to love others as ourselves. If I were to truly love someone else as myself, I am thinking they wouldn’t be calling it love.

Through years of living in a messed-up world even the parts I created; I somehow never caught on to what real love is. Today, I like to think I am learning what real love is each day.

Sometimes in my world, people must let others love them until they can learn to love themselves.

I can share that people have loved me when I have been the most unlovable. It can be a hard journey with someone unlovable. To love someone doesn’t mean you are always accepting their behavior. In fact, to always accept someone’s behavior would be enabling them to continue in the path of not loving themselves.

That’s not okay to do today. Life seems to be a constant of living amends made towards others as I learn better behavior.

I am learning that part of loving myself is not always having an answer or answering right away, because someone else demands it. My job of people pleasing is done! I won’t do it anymore because its not fair to me or them. I want to take time and know me today and take time to know you. It also does not mean we will always like each other.

Love accepts and gives freely. Love does not take hostages. I learned at a young age about people pleasing. I took others hostage to love me if only I did things right for them. I would also allow them to take me hostage so that hopefully one day I would fulfill their demands and I would not be lonely.

I am learning today this a false self-taken from the authentic self. Its counterfeit and it can never be real love.

Real love today means I can share my real self today. For me I believe that real self comes from my Creator Who is God. I can share my true feelings and my true heart.

Real love means I can own up to the crap ways, I have lived and gotten by before and make amends for that. Its all part of forgiving myself and others and letting the crap go.

I must let go of the sand bags. Just because we have the memory of past wrongs doesn’t give us the right to save sand bags and hit them over the head with it when we feel insecure. How often do we do this to ourselves even? It’s not fair to do to others or ourselves. That certainly isn’t love if we do it.

I need this change and want this change. I need real love and I want to give real love. I want to be healthy today. I also want those around me to be healthy. Together we can do this.

Thanks for reading!

I Can’t Hide From My Own Secrets



Photo by Israel Sundseth on Unsplash

We should all go get a cup of coffee, now! My cup of coffee and a warm blanket wrapped around me as I attempt peck out some words here, is just like heaven to me.

I have not written in several days. Once more, I am starting over with my pledge of writing 500 words or more each day, until I stay consistent.

Consistency has never been my strong suit. Not even in my dream world, is consistency a strong suit for me. I do however like to pretend I am consistent.

There, not so hard to say now.

We can’t hide from our own secrets.  They come pouring out one way or another. For me secrets can be interchangeable with word sin. I know the word sin, may make some uncomfortable.

Here’s the deal, I am uncomfortable with secrets. Secrets began a long time ago for me. They helped form and nurture the neurotic person I am; with my blessing I might add. It was the only way to deal in denial of everything.

The sad part is when you’re in denial you blame everything on everyone else and takes no personal responsibility. I learned how to do this automatically I am guessing as far back as my formative years with help. There comes a point though, one must take responsibility for their own life.  

I can finally share a personal experience because it just hit me, its part of the secret I kept for someone. I didn’t realize how good of a secret keeper I am. The person is dead now, so I am finally able to share because I kept this secret so good.

I didn’t realize the grief I have been experiencing for about 3 weeks. I went into denial.

I kept telling people oh I am depressed, but I am coming out of it. When I started writing this piece, I had no idea I was going to have a secret pop out of me. They told me a bit farther back they were dying, and I couldn’t tell anyone. Who would believe me anyway?

She shared things, personal things about family and what not.

She finally told everyone she was dying. What a relief! There were more twists to this secret. It kept me bound. I wont share everything because its not mine to share. My part is me having to keep the secret.

Today I know secrets make me sick. They set me in a spin and my life is out of control. I become unstable and unable to help myself or others. Secrets will bury me alive. Secrets are meant to make a person crack under pressure.

At the bottom of every secret is some sin, some horrible act. It threatens a person and their existence. Keeping a confidence is totally separate from this. Secrets do damage.

A confidence is a thing about trust and secrets about fear. Growing up didn’t know the difference. As a young adult I didn’t know the difference. I am just now learning the difference.

Thanks for reading!

Community is Connecting Through Love and Service

Hi Everyone,

There’s several of you that have been following me for a while. I am grateful you have followed and hope you continue to. There are new people following me as well I am grateful for you also.

Thank you for your patience and your time in reading what I have, to share with you.

I am probably going to throw some of you as I share a holy scripture, below.

Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up!

Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 ESV

This scripture points to a topic I partly shared on yesterday in that blog post. The topic would be community. I look over my life the past 15 years and I see everywhere when God was trying to make community happen.

I don’t think community is just a churchy type thing either. What I see though, is God is in control of community. It’s a very good tool to combat isolation and depression.

It was two years ago when a very good Pastor of mine shared with me about how community works and how to help yourself and be ready to help others. Because none of us can do this life alone. It’s hard at times If I am not careful it will take me to the edge of a cliff at dropping off point.

Some of the best things about learning community go back too our primary days of learning to say: yes, please and thank you. They also include what can I do to help? Slipping cash folded up into someone’s hand.

These days you can even transfer money to a person’s bank account. Maybe it is making a meal for them or doing some honey-do lists for some someone unable.

It could be just a smile and a hug reassuring someone you’re there for them. Maybe its just listening as you share a cup of coffee. Maybe its just praying and asking what each other’s needs are and allowing the spirit to flow freely.

Community builds strength and character. It will strengthen the integrity, if God is allowed to be in charge.

I have found many times in my life I can be hypocritical in my beliefs and actions. Each day I am given is that chance to do better and be better.

Community helps each person move forward and reminds us we are not alone. How special is that? We think we must come up with some elaborate plans sometimes. I think all it takes is real love and care for one another.

These days I am learning about mutual generosity. That takes up in many forms.  We just must be willing sometimes and not shrink back.

It’s all about building bridges and making a way where there seems no way. Everything I do and say affects more than just me. I hope to remember that as I choose my words and actions.

Thank you for reading!

Gratitude, Mindfulness, and Community Three Great Tools

Hi Everyone,

I did miss a day of blogging and listening to a speaker. I was not happy about it. I do realize life happens and all I can do is my best each day.

I am here tonight in order to pick up my pieces and continue sharing parts of my insights of daily living, in recovery.  I will never be perfect. I can share with you what I find along the way, and that is okay today.

Its my joy to share with others, the useful tools I find along the way. I love to listen to others and learn from their experience, strength, and hope.

In the middle of night after rounds of insomnia and chatting with others on Facebook, after sleep wouldn’t come, I thought I was finally ready for sleep at 2:00 a.m.! Wrong! I got back up and started doing a search on fellow I happen to know of.

In my search, I came across a book he had written. It was his diary of a few days before a tornado and what that looked like even with pictures. It also included what it was like to go through and survive a tornado.

He and his family suffered a great loss of their home of several years and their cars. I must confess I could not stop reading. I had to read the whole story and know how this person dealt with such a great loss.

This man I would describe as a humble man in retirement of an awesome career history behind him. He also has a loving family of two sons and a wife. But the fact is he survived! Some people didn’t survive that same tornado, taking the same precautions as he did.

I cried, laughed, and cried some more. I wondered how he and his family would ever be able to get back on track and resume a real life again? But fact is they did.

What I was able to glean from his story was there are no super hero survivors. No one’s taking applications for them, if there are survivor super heroes.  

There were three key factors when he did finally cut himself a break that he found worked for him.  Those three things were: Mindfulness, Gratitude, and Community. Those are becoming golden to me now, even as I write this.

Recovery isn’t for sissies! It’s hard work and very valuable to those that would reap the benefits.

Mindfulness, being the connection to using the present being, with spiritual tools. Gratitude is being thankful for what you have. Community being the people, you have a connection with. They come looking for you and you can turn to those people.

Those people are also the same ones you go looking for and turn to help, before they even ask.

I cannot help but think of the golden rule, when it comes to community. Doing unto others as you would have them do unto you. We can’t always be takers and we can’t always be givers. There seasons for everything under the sun

Sometimes all we can do is take in another’s story. We can only consider what their plight might be.

Thank you for reading!