Sometimes I Feel Like I Was Hatched

I feel I have been on a search for self and for God, since I was 11 or 12 years old.

God and I have a relationship and well for what its worth I even have a relationship with myself.

I have felt like I was hatched at birth though. No one could change that feeling. When you have been in the foster system, then group homes, and finally adopted; you keep hoping for everything to change that feeling.

Let me just say, I adore my adoptive mother so much that I really don’t refer to her as adoptive; but there is a separation in the fact of who gave birth to me.

When you have memories with the one who gave birth to you, you don’t wonder if you have been hatched. You can meet all the relatives in the world and nothing will change that feeling. I was told I was shown where they put her ashes and yet I have no recollection of seeing it. I was like 30 something.

After many years of search and trying to find siblings I took a break. I couldn’t handle any more drama.

Within 12 years of finding people: 1 aunt passed away, 1 great-aunt passed away, 1 uncle passed away, and my maternal grandmother passed away in the biological family.

In like 16 years I had 3 cancer scares and two surgeries and scared as hell going through them. Though during one, they said I was preaching about Jesus.

Let me also say my mom (adoptive for clarification) has been so supportive as was my dad (adoptive) when he was alive, in fact they took a few of us out to eat Chinese.

I wish I understood before all of this that all families are messed up in some degree. You will never make me change my mind about that.

You can dress a family up make them sophisticated religious whatever, families are messy, period!

I think in years past, I would have been a lot easier on my parents had I understood this concept. My adoptive parents looking at everything they were golden. They love me so much and I do them well even though my dad has passed away. It’s so hard to say still because I really want to ask his opinion on things.

Not that I would change now but, maybe even to fight again. It’s so silly. I miss my dad. This is maybe part of my search, realizing he and my mom really are the answer to my search since I was 12 even.

I just want answers to the biological side. One minute I was going to take a bus to Kokomo Indiana for the summer, instead the next, my sisters and I pack up in a car with 4 hours’ notice and we are off headed to Howard county.

It wasn’t that much longer, we took another trip to Evansville Indiana to meet my aunt by marriage, great-aunt, and maternal grandmother. We visited graves in 2 or 3 cemeteries.

We visited several libraries and read microfiche files and newspapers and phone books. We started looking at inmates in prison that were online.

My one sister and I even went cold door knocking in North St Louis City, we had a guy drop a bag and run because he thought we were process servers.

We did lots of cold phone calls as well. We wanted answers. I still want answers, but I probably won’t get them all.

Thanks for reading!

 

 

 

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What it’s Like to be an Adoptee

For me being an adoptee has been natural and yet, a gift.

I think most when they are going through the adoption process feel like it’s a thing of, “choose me.”

I remembered telling my mom once, I love to clean. I really didn’t, but I’d do anything to please anyone.

In the beginning with my family it was just visiting on weekends and holidays. You go through a few years being a foster child, while the Division of Family Services does a home study. You find what works and what doesn’t. In my case there were always bomb shells of something that came up.

I am not sure in some of those cases where it was any different than a biological family goes through. I was probably a very hard challenge for my parents, but all kids go through rebellion I think.

I do believe Division of Family Services did give my parents the short end of the stick by not revealing what things I had really been through and no one considered some of those things. It was amazing after almost 25 years later all the paper work was caught up. Why couldn’t they find the papers way back when?

The amazing bond in many ways and yet also you find the parts not so real in each other’s lives that need real work. Its like any other relationship there was work and damage control to be done. There was a period where everything just felt heavenly or at least in my mind it was.

I was just discovering life and family. What it was to have brothers and sisters and a mom and dad who showed up when they said they would.

What it was like to have a family garden, dogs, cats, to pull together to make the finances work. We even filled newspapers with inserts at times.

In the summers it was camping for our vacations a lot of times and sometimes it was with church and sometimes it wasn’t.

To have your birthday meal made of your favorite foods, cake, a few gifts and Grandma and Grandpa coming over to help celebrate.

The holidays were wonderful with aunts, uncles, cousins, Great Grandpa, Grandma, and Grandpa.

Making Chili with my dad and an uncle. Breakfast for supper on Sundays and sometimes my Dad made fried ham and cheese sandwiches and I think once with eggs.

My dad had caring sides and stepped up when my mom went away on weekend retreats or when she was sick he would make supper. Some of the best times were me and him BBQing and once even let me BBQ the whole time by myself. I felt proud he trusted me.

My Dad taught me to drywall and mud as we prepared the basement and made my room for a window to make my room legal for me to live in.

I remember once he had me try and stain a trailer he built and then we just ended up getting paint and painting it.

I look at adoption as like how I believe in God. I just feel like God is shouting sometimes choose me! Let me help, I want to be involved. Include me!

You go through changes like any other family. Lots of miles and lot of different emotions and reactions. Its messy at times. Harsh words are spoken and forgiven at some point. They get said. I really believe as humans we are all dysfunctional.

I believe God can heal a lot of things, but change isn’t something he can make for us when we must choose to do so.

The amazing thing to me about adoption, is how God can take years of dislike hate and all of it and change all that in a moment as we get humbled inside.

What humbles us most realizing Gods forgiveness of our own ugliness. I’ll be the first to admit there’s a lot of ugliness that tries to come up and sometimes it does. But I have seen God work in amazing ways and say, “I can get you past it if you want to.”

My Dad and I had great healing between us take place and we spoke of how much we loved each other before he passed away. It was almost like he knew he was leaving this world but there wasn’t anything wrong with him that we knew about that day. Some weeks later he died.

I am grateful to still have my mom this side of Heaven and the amazing things and the stories we both could tell of how our lives have changed even since my dad’s death. The love she has for me is awesome and I love her very much.

In the end, I still had to grow up and I still have some growing to do.

Thanks for reading!

 

 

I Miss The Blogger That Was Here

I was talking to a friend who is a therapist. He said that he missed hearing from a blogger here.

The blogger had great advice and wrote well, with a few grammar errors; but his message was clear.

I too have missed the blogger and the things he has had to say. It has been a fight to try to get him back to writing.

The blogger had great ideas and it was always a challenge to see the next topic. I admit seeing some of the topics seemed to always twist around helping one’s self.

The blogger has slipped into depression. But after a while depression becomes a sorry excuse and no, I won’t apologize for saying that.

Many times, as humans when things become difficult we do use depression as a smoke screen to not face stuff.

When you start ripping the masks off it becomes painful and sometimes you want to stop entirely but that’s no excuse to stop.

A friend of mine says feel the pain. Feel the crap that’s happened. No, its not nice or enjoyable but its real.

For some of us pain is the most real thing we have ever felt. We find it necessary to follow through until we get to the other side of pain.

There are no more excuses do it or don’t but, pick one! Our decisions affect more than just ourselves and we can heal, if we allow it.

To stop acting in a gift given is selfish. A few grammar and design errors are no reason to quit.

No matter the complications, I can attest most of the time the depression lingers because we refuse to act.

The pain is real. The excuses are rubbish. It’s time to make decisions and push past the fear. To let the tears, flow and finally be free of the

junk that’s inside us. It’s this type of conversation over coffee in a quiet corner is where the truth comes out. To keep crying depression, is much like the boy who cried wolf. Yes, it is. The truth shall set you free is what many of my friends cry out. Let’s get to the real stuff.

What’s your part?

You want to cry someone hurt you, yet you refuse any responsibility. Let’s get honest and take our part. Let’s be for real and let go of the lies.

This post has been harsh. However, I find this is what I and others like me, really need for real help. Its not always easy to make decisions and to act. In fact, it takes courage and integrity.

There was a couple of sayings: “You can fool some of the people some of the time, but you will never fool all of the people all of the time.” The other is this: There’s no fool, like an old fool.”

If I were to say something to this blogger I would hope that I can say it with compassion much like the following sentence. I pray you find the strength to look in the mirror realize who you are, what you have done, and have accomplished so far. Don’t stop writing. Don’t stop using a gift given to you.

You have the right to enjoy life and to do even better, and more amazing works than you have done.

Let’s face the truth together. You are a writer so keep on writing.

Thanks for reading!

 

 

 

 

 

May Mental Health Awareness Month

For most of the month of May, I have been quiet and have not written much. I have been having a hard month writing. I am hoping this is the spur of getting back up to writing again as it is my passion. Thank you for your patience.

May has been deemed Mental Health Awareness. I have wanted to say something on this since the beginning of the month; but I have not found the right words until now.

I think we all have times where it is hard to process and see things from a clear perspective. Some of this may be due to having a chemical imbalance and others it just may be from short term depression. In either case, I am not here to tell you either way if you should take medication because I am not qualified to do so.

I would urge you to seek professional help if you feel unsafe. There are things we can do to help ourselves. If we are having a difficult time, it has been said time and time again; listing things we are grateful for can be of help.

We can talk with friends and relatives and not just spewing out our problems but maybe just listening to theirs for a while can help gain some ground.

In my own life, it usually comes down to making decisions and following through quietly. This has been something new and possibly something I have never done before. It’s not necessary to broadcast your whole life. This has been a huge lesson for me.

By broadcasting, I mean on social media. Social media has somehow seemingly creeped its way into every aspect of our lives like a virus. It has become a platform for society to tell us how to live and do.

Society wants to tell us what we should believe and what we should tolerate. That is no longer acceptable and never was for anyone I know with any integrity.

Society wants to say for mental health reasons and or medication, can be the reason for our actions. It takes away the responsibility of what we say and do. That is wrong.

No matter what we are responsible for what we do and say and yes, our actions have consequences with them.

Considering recent controversies on social media I bring this up because we cannot just make excuses for our actions. But, social media makes excuses every day for their actions.

While I believe a lot of us would like to say we have no prejudices. I think we all do in some way, we just don’t like to admit it. But it sure can come out in social on the controversies. Some of the words we say can be more hurtful than any name or term that could be used.

You may think I have strayed from the mental health part, but I have not. It all melts together and unfortunately, we in these last several years have let the media and social media dictate our self- worth.

What’s even worse is in a lot of cases we use God as a pawn in our judgements saying they are His or maybe a higher power of sorts. many like to say karma. If there was a thing called Karma we’d all get what we deserved and most of us have not even come close to getting what we deserve. There goes your Karma out the window!

I have shared all this to say, let’s be responsible for who we are, what we say, and do. Sometimes the consequences of our actions affect others as well.

Also remember listening to someone may save a life, in fact your own.

Thanks for reading!

 

 

In Appreciation of Nurses Everywhere, Thank You!

I wanted to recognize nurses this week. When I say nurses I mean aides, techs, receptionist, intake, whoever it is holding your hand, the whole way through. The ones holding my hand, bandaging my wounds, joking, serious talks, thoughts on politics, all the forbidden fruit to not talk about in a work place, we have covered it all.

We have even talked about Jesus and church too. We have discussed our not so best moments to our most memorable moments. The only way these conversations work is because we do check with each other and we do respect each other.

The best thing about it all is the caring and compassionate ways each of them have dealt with me.

When I have been scared and or upset in some way its been dealt with and they let me have my dignity too.

You find me a person who is grateful for their nurse, helpers, or whatever. I’ll show you someone who really has some golden care.

I can say the nurses I have had, have gone above and beyond their duty. They are committed to seeing me healed. They do want me at ease. They make every effort in doing so.

My personal experience in first dealing with a wound care center since I have moved was going in scared.

I kept stuff to myself about how bad situations were for a while. Well when they saw my feet and legs, their first concern was, how do we keep this guy from losing limbs?

They wanted to put me into a hospital and I probably should have gone in, but the Nurse Practitioner made a deal with me, after all my arguments of why not. She said I will let you go home, you follow my instructions, but the first time I say you go in, you go in, no arguments.

Since that day I have felt like their poster child, on the wound care unit for the biggest turn around.

To say I am stubborn, is probably an understatement. Considering there were 9 wounds at one point and now down to 2 wounds in a year is amazing. I also don’t want to leave out the visiting nurses who came 3 times a week to change my dressings.

These last two wounds are so close to closing. So, they all tease me with “you’re afraid you can’t come back if you get all healed, or what?”

I think sometimes we have good days. This is especially true, if you are undergoing wound care and you forget how much the nurses have been there for you. That is until it’s a bad day and you’re struggling up those stairs to get to your apartment with 6 bags of groceries.

That’s when you invite a friend over for a meal and hand him the car keys and ask him to bring in the beverages you couldn’t quite carry in.

Its amazing what God can do using nurses, doctors, and medicine.

Just a side not also, that person fitting you in for an appointment he/she is not trying to make your life miserable. They probably have 150 patients a day if not more. Please try to be patient with them.

Thanks for reading!

#loveyournurseweek  #giveyournursesomelovin

 

A Glimpse Into The Past With Nathan

Two Years ago, May 3rd, 2016 a look into my past would soon turn into a new journey for me.

For a little more than 7 months I had been on a journey with a new pastor and new church and some new friends. Mike and Jeanne, Patty, some single people, and Nathan.

Nathan was my pastor who I met with every other week. He taught me more about grace in 7 months, than 20 old preacher men who could teach in 50 years of ministry. That’s the truth. Nathan could handle me, my anger, rage, thoughts about the holier than thou Christians who filled their rows of chairs, or pews, every week.

It was real rough, and rocky for a beginning. I needed a Christmas miracle. For me to even begin to really believe in Christmas, was going to be a miracle.

I’ve been to the store front churches, but this was in the county and a large Presbyterian Church. I would go every week I could and even attended the men’s Bible Studies every Tuesday morning.

Mike and Jeanne were instrumental in making sure I always had a ride and even Patty, too would also make sure I got there as well.

I was having a hard time making rent, grocery shopping, and doctor’s appointments etc.

Right around Christmas I put in an application for help to see what the church could do.

I also had an appointment to learn more about the church and for Nathan and me to get to know each other.

Looking back, I see how this church bent over forward and backward to help me. I needed more help than anyone could do, and more than any one ministry could do. I don’t think I could see that at the time.

I shared with Nathan my past and everything. I shared some with Mike, Jeanne, and Patty too.

But as Nathan and I closed our meeting in November 2015; I shared with him about my favorite 5th grade teacher Mrs. Wiley. For whatever reason I thought she already had passed away. So, he prayed Dear God for her, to know I loved her and was so grateful there was this one person who believed me when no one else would. He was grateful for her too.

Time went on and nothing got answered necessarily the way I wanted it to by the church and how I thought it should come out.

I would have a meltdown one Sunday and Patty was taking me home afterwards. I even confessed I had a meltdown where I screamed and cussed and not my best moment in a church. I was still a mess even as she took me home.

It was 10 minutes later I was praying in my room crying and praying out to God to just help me get through this. I heard a voice in the hall outside my room. I really believed I was losing it. I said Lord if that’s your voice forgive me for not recognizing it.

What many did not know I was going to lose my place of living at that point and as I went into the hall still crying and wondering what going on.  I found Patty she had a check for me for me. It was more than enough to pay up all I owed and a few months besides.

I must admit, this really blindsided me and I was scared to take it even. I was doing okay afterwards and was trying to keep hold of everything.  Would be forever changed and things just wouldn’t be the same ever. She said you take this I may never be able to do this again.

Well in the meantime, I was having to do damage control myself. I was having to apologize and repent of my meltdown.

Its so hard to take back things you do wrong. But my friend Nathan was there to remind me of Gods Grace as well as someone else. Her Name was Cathi I will never forget her either.

She bought me this flannel shirt and her daughter picked out this cap for me which was hip-looking style. I still have the flannel shirt that makes me feel safe and reminds me of God’s Grace.

In the mean time Nathan and I made plans to make a day trip just he and I, back to my past life where I first had my roots planted.

I did not know it would be what it was. As we took the drive there, eating what we wanted to eat, doing what we wanted, I was going back in time the farther we drove.

I was so far back in time, I was just trying to be polite to the pastor at the time of my old church we visited.  I declined a visit through the Church again.

Nathan and I went on to visit the park and then we had lunch. During Lunch Nathan said he didn’t want to mark this a bad day by telling me some news. I had already done investigating and knew pretty much what the news was, and I kept it to myself from others. I told him I knew he would be leaving soon.

Tears still fell because he had been my buddy these past several months. I knew I would never find anyone like him again.

I wished at that moment I was going to the state he would be moving to. What I didn’t know was this day marked the day of a new journey to begin only two months later after Nathan and his family left.

Before I close I want to share with you it was only a day later or so, Mrs. Wiley had been alive at the time Nathan and I prayed for her. I was so happy because God led Nathan to pray and thank God for her!

I cried a lot the day Nathan left he and his family pulled into my drive way as they left for their new ministry position. He gave me a gift a cross necklace which I still cherish. His wife and him hugged me and she was glad I had been his bud too.

Two Months later I would move 30 miles from where Nathan and I took the glimpse into my past, where the chains had been broken, I was now set free in my mind at least. More to come from this journey later.

Thanks for reading!

I Met With God in The Missouri Bluffs

As a writer filled with many dreams yet, I still believe I came in to this world called to write.

I believe it started to be recognized on the bluffs in Missouri. My world was hard, and it was sad. While so many beautiful things were created, only in Gods sight could they be counted. But it was the things with God I was privileged to find.

I believe it’s only God trying to bring me back to that child-like faith and trust Him with everything in my life again. Some days its very hard to live out this faith, next to impossible to be honest.

It was in the bluffs I was taught so much and out of them I had not one leg to stand on but rather ridiculed.

I admit I am selfish. I want so much to dance with God again and to only experience that love so deep, that kept me rooted somehow. I believe He held each of my tears. Why now that I am grown to even share one thought, is difficult?

To see the wild flowers bloom, birds flying, the clouds that move in the sky, the stars that shone so bright, and all of us, so precious in my God’s sight.

When I am with you God, I can’t even think about the hurt and pain any longer. It’s only when I am alone inside my head. I want to go back to that God where I just have time with you alone. I don’t have to worry about coming home for supper anymore.

When I was so young and all the changes that happened; I only asked where are you now, God? As I grew older I only asked, where are you now, God? The time has flown by, God. You now call my name and ask for me, Lord.

You have shown me the wonders of the world and your mighty hand in saving, what would have been lost.

Dear Lord, remember the day you showed me you could be anywhere at any time. It was in the office of my therapist, where you allowed me to smell the wild honey suckle and Rose of Sharon all at once. It was you God, you showed up to just be with me.

No one will ever understand the things you have shown me or see how you work in my life. Many have scoffed and said I don’t even live the life of a true Christian. That may be true God, but you have shown me power, might, beauty, and all that is precious in your sight.

Take me back God. Show me the path you want for me and I will follow it, Lord. Thank you for all you do. Thank you for blessing me with friends and family. I know my head is in the clouds and its only with you I can be free. No matter what I’ve done, right or wrong, it’s all with you in a song, prayer, and praise.

Let my lamenting be done.

Thanks for reading!

 

Depression is Not Something You Choose to Have

Depression is not something you choose. It grabs a hold of you with strong arms and you fight to get free.

Depression is when the clothes are on the floor. Depression is when you can’t answer the phone, even for your best friend in all the world. Depression is when you can’t tell those in your daily life what you are fighting. Depression is more than gloomy thoughts.

Depression is more than about money or precious treasures. Depression is more than a whisper.

The harder you fight, the more winded you become; so why even try? This becomes your mantra.

You smile outside at neighbors and wish them well but cannot wait, to get back inside behind your door.

Depression knows no race, economic status, or religion.

You wash your face in hope, it makes all the reality of what you are feeling disappear.

All the religious people say you have become weak and you need more faith. Perhaps they are right you say to yourself. You cannot help crying more because again you have failed all family friends and those you have yet to meet.

All the self-help people say another pill, some more books to read, and you will be well.

No knows the living hell you are living inside each day. I try to pray but depression doesn’t let you say what’s real. It’s more than just how you feel.

Depression is different for everyone, it’s never the same. What you have more of is shame. I swear it’s not a game.

You imagine people pointing, looking, and laughing, saying you couldn’t fight your way out of a wet paper bag. Your head just lays down. Perhaps they are right.

Depression is no easy way out of life. You fight harder than anything to just merely exist and pray you are out of everyone’s way. This isn’t child’s play.

Depression is all your anger, fear, sadness, and apathy rolled up in one huge, colorful, ball of wax.

Depression is more than just feeling sad about something or upset you lost a game. Depression is there to break you down and swallow you up whole. Depression will take your life and it’s not even about the strife with family or foes.

Depression makes pawns out of everyone.

Depression is a taker of all. Your joys, your triumphs, your moments of surprise, and laughter. They all get taken.

Depression is more than over sleeping and being late for something.

The sunrise alone cannot get depression to go away.

Depression isn’t even about if you have a home or not.

You can write all the gratitude lists you want. Depression makes it look small.

Depression asks for all of you, even your last breath. You fight, you get up and try one more time. It seems as if no avail.

Loved ones and friends get mad at depression and all it takes from you, but they cannot fight it for you.

This is a fight all on your own. So be careful of the seeds you have sown.

Thank for reading!

What Love Looks Like In My World

I think each of us have our own view of what love looks like in our own world. I find it hard to live up to my perfect world.

I find myself wanting to do things and promising things maybe I shouldn’t. Not knowing what the next day or hour will bring, can really be difficult to follow through. We can always plan, but we need to leave room for revision of said plans.

I remember once getting a phone number from a new friend and on the back of the paper he handed me (this was before the age of cell phones and other UpToDate technology), he wrote: “Me and My Friends we don’t hurt each other, and we don’t hurt ourselves.”

This was during a time I was feeling suicidal and I was making one bad decision after another.

As time passed I would not see this friend maybe ever again. What I failed to realize, he was probably not doing much better than I was. But wouldn’t it be great if we could one hundred percent live up to what my friend had said. Me and my friends: We don’t hurt each other, and we don’t hurt ourselves.

The fact is we are human and sooner or later we will fail each other. This took me some time to accept. It was really the fact that when people failed me that I had the hardest time accepting.

This past week I found myself failing people left and right. I promised things I shouldn’t have which really involved my time and actions to show my love.

Life is short and precious. I forget to handle people with the gentle and tender loving care, they deserve.

I do try to practice not hurting my friends or myself. The truth is I’ve learned, part of loving others is not hurting myself. Love is taking the time to hug and pray for others. Love is admitting when you are wrong and not walking away from facing up to it. Love is doing what you will say you will do.

We can’t change the past. All we can do is be better today. We aren’t going to be perfect, but we strive to be the best we can be.

There have been many people who have passed from my world that deserved so much more, than I gave them.

The time is getting shorter, and all I can hope for is to do better with the people I have left in my life time. We all have an expiration date.

I tell myself to remember to smile, to be friendlier, to forgive more freely, to take more interest in others, and to give as much as I can. This doesn’t mean for me to be fake but to be real in all ways of dealing with my time.

We must take time to observe what’s inside us, before we know what we are giving.

My life has changed for the better. I want more time with some, but I have learned you have to make the most of what you have with each.

Thanks for reading!

My Parents and God, I Choose You Part 5

I have been reflecting on this story and the parts I have shared.

Sometimes what I share, it’s almost if I was sharing a recipe. Other times it makes me stop while writing and relive some of the scenes from way back, in my head. God sure seems to have timing down though and there are lots of things, for me to learn from.

It was near the end of school I think when I was hit by a car some tell thee story as if I walked into the car, but I was stuck underneath somehow and pounding on the car. I went into a state of shock as I had been screaming they said that I wanted my mom or mommy I can’t remember for sure.

What I do remember and will never forget now after the fact; I scratched the heck out of a house parents hands. I do remember waking up and every one of the staff from the children’s home and the doctor around my bed.

I had given everyone the scare of my life. I ended up being visited every day. I think I was there for 5 days at least.

I came out of my hospital room in the wee hours of the morning; Nurse, I don’t think somethings right, here. I had pulled my I-V out and blood was squirting everywhere.

On close to the last day, they were going to let me go home and I couldn’t wait. I was brushing my teeth and vomited, that canceled me going home.

My friend from school didn’t get to come see me but his brother did with their foster mom. That was awesome getting to see them. I think my friend had gotten in trouble, so he had to stay home. The exact facts of this are a blur to me now except my friends foster mom being there.

I think my little incident reached the newspapers and someone with my same name had been killed in a car that caught on fire in another town. I had lots to be grateful for considering that wasn’t me. But I had two huge bruised eyes and a swollen head and face and blood-filled eyes.

My 6th grade teachers came to see me as well. The miracle was I am not sure I even ended up with stitches much less any broken bones. They let me go home the next day and I couldn’t wait to be back.

There was one important fact the day or maybe two days later, after everyone was gone. I had woken up and searched my pockets I found then, a package of rolo candy. I had swiped them. It brought back some memory but never the whole thing. I held on to that guilt for a few years.

Things changed, and I found other kids were mad at me because of my accident. We were no longer allowed to cross the busy street any longer. I felt lucky no matter what. I could still walk to my church that was on the same side of the street.

Thanks for reading!