How Well Do We Treat Ourselves?

Today’s entry is about how well we treat ourselves. It can be a sure sign of how well, we treat our loved one’s and especially those around us.

With this being a sacred weekend for me, as I thought about introducing this topic I am reminded of  the Holy Scriptures where The 10 Commandments hang from these two New Commandments  Matthew 22:34-40 (ESV)

The Great Commandment

34 But when the Pharisees heard that he had silenced the Sadducees, they gathered together. 35 And one of them, a lawyer, asked him a question to test him. 36 “Teacher, which is the great commandment in the Law?” 37 And he said to him, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. 38 This is the great and first commandment. 39 And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. 40 On these two commandments depend all the Law and the Prophets.”

For a long time I realize I didn’t know how to treat friends in the right way. What I mean is , I knew that to be kind and loving. But I didn’t know how to act upon that, because I didn’t know how to act upon that with myself.

I spent many years playing the same old tapes over and over. A lot of self-pity and being bitter. I am better than I once was, but the battle doesn’t seem to be over with. At times I feel helpless and I feel alone. The tapes start playing, that I will never be good enough.

I actually heard this in a meeting last week; I have to record over those old tapes and let them become, the new tapes to listen to.

We have to start seeing our accomplishments and saying thank you when people show us generosity of any kind. Sometimes words just aren’t enough. Sometimes we go beyond our means and that doesn’t help anyone either.

In the past year or a few maybe, I am learning there are times I am yelling and don’t mean to be. Don’t get me wrong! There are times I mean to be yelling. I do it so well. The newest thing I have learned just in the last week, it’s still sinking in.

No matter who or what, I yell at is going to provide a solution. Learning to be gentle with ourselves and others is no easy task. But it is intentional. Just when we yell we , lie to ourselves and others. “Oh, I didn’t mean to yell”. Yes we did. Lets just be honest.

We get caught up in patterns of coping mechanisms that don’t really work. We make them work to fit our mold, so that we don’t have to admit wrong on our part. What I do know about me is yes, I hate to be wrong.

One of the good things I have found, is if I admit I am wrong when I am wrong, it makes what ever friendship a little bit easier. The other party finally knows I can admit my wrong.

They also know there’s a good chance, I may be on the look out next time round and we can avoid this same conflict. I may need a reminder also or I may have to give a reminder. There are always ways we can improve.

I remember early on dealing with Church,relationships, family, therapists, hospitals, and rehabilitation centers. I was thinking on that verse and Id be saying well no one really wants me loving them as much as myself. They may not think it’s too kind.

That was more truth  than I knew. I spent so much hiding from myself because of these tapes playing in my head constantly. Then of course I blamed other people and their land mines. I didn’t realize I had my own land mines set too!

I remember some years back, a friends dad had asked me what my love language was. I thought dude, if you only knew. It’s sarcasm, is what I wanted to yell out. But we moved on past that.

Sarcasm, is something we have to be careful with. It’s funny to a point; but a lot of times  hate starts coming out. Whether its directed at ourselves or another, it can be crippling to any kind of relationship.

Sarcasm is usually a mind game of passive/aggressive behavior. It can be close to taking people as hostages instead of friends or loved ones. The first inclination is to deny this but I have lived it. So I know its true.

In order to celebrate those we love while they are here, we first have to know how to love ourselves. It takes work to have any kind of relationship, but it’s well worth it.

When I  gathered round some tables with some friends, I was given a phone number to call a guy if ever I needed help. On the back of that card he wrote, “Me and My Friends don’t hurt ourselves or each other.” Today I would amend that by saying, “we try not to hurt ourselves, or each other.”

Let’s be gentle, but truthful. Let’s not be afraid of one another, nor give anyone a reason to be afraid.

Friendship and relationships of any kind, are never to be taken for granted. The people here today, may be gone tomorrow. Let’s be real and celebrate each other in truth today.


Thanks for reading!






A Day of Rest

Happy St Patrick’s Day!

Saturdays are part of my Sabbath. It’s a Day of Rest set aside from the world. Rest doesn’t mean necessarily taking a nap, as it does mean not buying, selling, or working. I ask for Gods help especially through this day.

It is so tempting to do as the rest of the world does to try to get a whole weeks of work, done in one day. I have found for me me it wears me out even more, if I do not keep the Sabbath. In the same breath to just try and keep the Sabbath to be religious enough can also wear me out.

What makes the difference? The relationship with God is the difference. I am certainly not one to preach to anyone. I am just relating my experience as it is. This is just what works for me. If it benefits you, then all the better I have shared it.

I try to  pray up and seek the Holy Scriptures for Guidance. Other times it can mean doing these as I go for a drive and be present in nature and just talk one on one with God. Meditation is the biggest key in this conversation.

To realize I am a small part in all of Gods creation, helps bring me down to right size. It helps me in putting a stop to some judgements. Other judgements are not so easy, until I realize also that I am being judged by others. It’s then I realize how petty I can be.

Perhaps the biggest confession, is realizing how much I have judged God. I judge Him for the heart aches and tragedies of this world. The more personal ones are the ones, that have distanced me from God.

There’s an old gospel song, “When God Unfolds a Rose.” I feel like all of us living are Gods roses and he is unfolding us. It can be extremely painful as the petals of us are folded back. But its amazing our beauty, in Gods eyes when He has unfolded us.

I think especially of my friends, family, and myself in how God has unfolded each of us. Of course my view is limited compared to God’s. He sees way more than I do now. For me He commanded this rest. I think each of us have to come to the conclusion, if we even believe in God and what are His Commands.

All I can say is my life has changed for the better, with each bit I hand over to God. It really has been piece-meal. I don’t think any of us are capable of just handing over our full lives until we have learned with bits and pieces. I could be wrong.

My views change daily and everything seems to be on a learning curve. At the same time this life is not a dress rehearsal, as we all know. This is the real thing. I don’t want to lose out on God’s goodness today.

Thanks for reading!


Life is Sacred

I had one of the best nights sleep ever in a very long time. In fact, when I woke up I thought I had overslept. It was such a relief I had 15 minutes to spare. The physical pain I was experiencing the night before was gone.

I shared in my last post about having sacred time with a friend. I want to share more about how important it is, to have that sacred time even in the beginning of our day. Part of having a good day is being organized. I can only share my own experience in this.

In my own life, to start my day with out that sacred time means I will start in any old direction. The consequences of this can seem overwhelming. Our daily routine has to be sacred in some way of realizing, God is in control if we let Him have his way.

My start today in fact was somewhat aimless. But it seems if I surround myself with the right people, that can get corrected sooner. I get reminders about the sacredness of life. How important it is to pause and not just react, is a lesson I seem to repeat.

When I just react instead of having a plan and asking God for help for the day, it usually turns into a disaster and full of regrets. Instead of my day being more productive, it seems I am busy putting out the very fires I started. I try to fit everything into my schedule. It is exhausting, when I have started out with no direction.

The relief within sight today, was knowing I could start my day over. The 24 hours I have today is precious and every second counts. It is so easy to be careless with words and time. What we decide to do say and do are choices we make daily.

I guess the best thing about this is, I am only responsible for me and my actions and/or reactions. Taking care of me is a full-time job. What I say needs to be tactful and even nice. Though at many times this seems challenging and I don’t always do it correctly.

Allowing that sacred time with God, and asking for help can help prevent many pitfalls throughout the day.

I often complain about people wasting time. I need to keep my eyes on my own paper. Trying to navigate through the day aimlessly is a waste of time. I waste plenty of my day and get distracted thinking I need my voice heard, when it is such a time grabber.

When I put my day in Gods hands and ask Him for help, I do get to rest a lot easier. Things go more smooth. If I can pause before getting angry , there is usually a solution.

I can be more effective , if I can just remember my life is sacred and the day doesn’t have to be a race.

I am not preaching just sharing a favorite scripture: Matthew 11:28-30 (ESV)

Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”

Thanks for reading!


Sacred Time With a Friend

This month seems to be flying by. Today marks half of the month over with already.

What do we do with the hours we have in a day. Do we see markings of God being ever-present in our lives? Do we really make the most of our time, with loved ones and friends?

Today was that day in my week, where I truly needed a friend to be there and just pray with me. One of my friends also needed that. I get so wrapped up in all that has to be done and I can stress myself out easily.

I took the time to eat so I could listen to a friend by the time I called him. It’s really important, that I hear people today and not just hear to respond. I find I can remember things a little bit easier, the more present I am in just listening.

One important note I’ve learned, in the past several years and sometimes still have to learn. When you are to be somewhere, is just be there. It makes communication so much better. I hear better and I can articulate better when I just listen and speak when it is my turn, without feeling I have to just jump in.

My one friend and I have tried to make time for each other and pray for each week. It has not been perfect but each time we have done so, it is just awesome.

Today after all my rants and soap boxes on time, I took and gave some time . It was sacred time.

My experience from praying together and checking in with each other has been awesome. I asked for prayer for pain relief. Tonight after we prayed and as I came here to enter my blog entry through the present. I envision God just rubbing my back reminding me everything was okay.

I am feeling the discomfort going away. I find that when I allow myself to be crabby, complain, and demand my right to be human; the pain often gets stirred up and is more than I can bear.

It’s when I let go of being in control and allow God to be God I can loosen up. Today it was funny, as I didn’t realize that at times my pride is such, that I really try to take over as God.

Yes I even need reminders to be nice. It’s important,  even when someone else may be behaving like a jerk.  In most cases its  just my perceiving them, behaving as such; if I really want to be honest.

It’s in the prayer and talk that honesty comes about. I really don’t believe you can pray a lie. Therefore, the talk before a prayer is of utmost importance. I also believe each person has to be selective who they pray with, as some just might misunderstand or think you’re trying to work some kind of magic.

The sacred time of prayer and honest discussion is important. I am so glad God is more forgiving than I am. He will help me be more willing to forgive.

Thanks for reading!


Listen to Your Child: “There’s a Monster in My Room”

One of the most challenging things I suppose, would be parenting.  Some are amazing the way they can cultivate and have open and honest relationships with their children.

Going back several years ago I stayed with a family I had become good friends with a family and well they were helping me out at the time. I was finally getting a night free myself along with my friends; they hired a babysitter for the evening so the three of us could go to a meeting together.

It was good I was feeling refreshed and all. I headed back home alone, while my friends did a date thing and told me they would see me back at the house later.

I walked into the house and one of the children had been in trouble all week which was really out of character for this one. She had been crying and saying she couldn’t go to sleep because there was a monster in her room. I followed her to her room and told her everything would be fine while she insisted not, but stayed in her bed as I closed the door to go back down stairs.

The baby sitter was still there waiting for my friends to get back, to take him home. I head into the kitchen to get a snack and check things out . The house being in disarray was not unusual. Four kids and sometimes 4 adults 3 bedrooms and a basement. Laundry piled up even on the stairs.

You don’t always realize it, but there are signs of a monster in your house.

As I said, I went into the kitchen and I thought there was some kind of joke, but not really. Something more sinister was going on, as the hair on the back of my neck stood up. “Don’t Move!” I kept my hands out in front of me on the wall.

The babysitter pulled a gun on me, and not just any gun. It was my friends gun from his dresser, which only few of us knew about. There were many things that happened that night it was another life changing event.

Suffice it to say, everything the little girl was saying was true. Except, everything would be okay eventually and no one had to die that night. It was one of the most horrifying nights of my life and looking back, I stayed in shock for quite a while.

I was instructed to drive the baby sitter(gunman) home. He said he would shoot if we tried to come after him. I was scared I didn’t know what to do.

In fact it was the next morning, before anything could be sorted out.

Three weeks later they found the gunman in another state, and had him in custody he was finally picked up on sexual abuse of a child.

Every time this gunman comes up for parole, mother and child are there to see he stays behind bars.

  • Does your child say outrageous things like there are monsters?
  • Has your child gone back to wetting the bed?
  • Has your child showed signs of anger and rage?
  • Does your child exhibit signs of being destructive and breaking things on purpose?
  • Are there unexplained marks or bruising on your child?
  • Is your child showing signs of physical internal hurting?
  • Does your child burst into tears for what seems no reason at all?

If your answer is yes to any of these questions you need to talk to your child. Explain you are there for them.Listen to your child and trust what they are telling you is the truth. Try to get the real story. It may be time to go to the Emergency Room. Real answers can come out there.

Calling Social Services can feel like a damned if you do, or damned if you don’t. If you don’t you risk losing your child . If you tell the truth they will work with you in getting some type of justice. They will help you educate yourself, on protecting your child.

Once something this dark happens, life will never be the same. It’s important to find as much normality as possible. It’s important to have support and its important to always let the child express themselves and even help with processing this through.

The important thing being to help your child realize they never did anything wrong. They could never cause this to happen.

Thanks for reading!




Being Thankful, Helps You Become Creative

Hi Everyone,

Today I am going to talk about being thankful and what it really means for me .

  1. I am grateful to have a roof over my head
  2. My cupboards and refrigerator are not empty
  3. I have real friends today
  4. Each day is a chance for me to be real and heal
  5. I am more than just sober today
  6. I do have healthy things going on therapy, wound healing, and writing  in spite of being messed up
  7. I can advocate for myself today
  8. My car which was a gift from my mom and her husband over a year ago
  9. That I want more than to just merely exist I want to live today
  10. I am learning to create safe spaces for myself to enjoy today
  11. My job is not to please anyone
  12. I have a relationship with Christ
  13. My writing has helped me become strong today
  14. I can take some suggestions from others it’s not necessary for me to always be in control
  15. I have goals and dreams
  16. By changing myself and asking for Gods help the world gets changed
  17. I don’t have to tell anyone else’s story I get to tell mine today
  18. I can accept both good and bad in me but do my best to change those things which don’t serve my best interest
  19. People love me today and help me be a better person
  20. Gods Grace just for today I don’t have to fall apart

If I could just remember to always be thankful, life would be a lot simpler. I seem to lose my perspective on situations, when things don’t go as well as expected or hoped for.  I find I will be ready to fall apart almost but thankfully something has started to cut me just short of doing so.

I then remember, it’s all about being thankful for what you have and who you are. I look back on my past even recent past as a year ago right up to the holidays this year a lot of not being thankful and too much interest in the negative politics type things and wanting to voice my beliefs and thoughts.

Those don’t always bring me very far which is why when I start kicking around being thankful I may stay on it for a while. This time I will for myself, do a daily 20 things I am grateful for. It doesn’t mean I will post them daily on my blog.  I do need the reminder lots in a days time so I don’t forget and fall into a pity-party.

Self-pity never served anyone in a healthy way. It never helps  trying to come up with a solution either.

Being thankful is all part of a change whether you are trying to work on yourself or build a business. Negativity just never helps in being creative. If you build on negativity everything will soon crumble. This I know by experience.

Once negativity has crept in , does worry and fear. Before you know it you are not doing anything to help yourself. No one can live your life for you or do the things you need to do for you.

It’s all about stepping up to the plate , conquering fear and doing the best you can with what you have. This is called growth, one step at a time.

Thanks for reading!


Changing Our World: One Story at a Time

Some weeks start out really crazy. I mean who has time to really to watch tv or see a movie? I have dreams and goals. It’s all the small stuff you have to do that helps move things along. By the end of the day I am so sore and can barely move.

Those are dues you pay along with trying to live your dream. Dreams are wonderful as in they give you goals and little side trips to take. You hope your words mean something to someone besides yourself. But that’s not always the case.

The thing is as writers, I think we all want our words to mean something and to take on a life of their own. We want to show the world our markings in it with just our words. It’s the way we share a story or relate to someone else. It’s almost like a love affair.

We come alive and share our story in hopes that we can bring about change. With some of my words I start to think its this great elegant dance and some of the words end up being pure crap. Wow, what a crash and burn! But its all true. All elegant ,all a dance, and yes, even pure crap sometimes slips past us.

We may not change a person’s mind very often. The most important part, is to get our message out there. In our Writing and editing process we end up with a list of questions:

  • Did we present the main idea?
  • Did we tell the truth?
  • Were we true to ourselves?
  • Is it helpful?
  • Is there too much fluff
  • Where can we cut?
  • Did we think of others needs or just our own?

I think it always comes down to time is precious. We can never get a moment back.  Writing leads to all the truth inside of us, even writing fiction. I think fiction can be fun and a way to take step outside our world, for just a moment.

I find I have to take a look at my writing in whole and in parts, to see where I can cut and change. I really struggle with writing in someone else’s voice, because if it’s not my style its a struggle to keep it true.

I also struggle with the grandiose thinking, that each word I write is golden. That is both false and not staying true to myself. I believe and want my story to change the world, most assuredly.

We sure can’t be all doom and gloom in our writing. That doesn’t mean we can’t write about the sadness, the heart ache, the tragedies, but there is more life. To only say one side, is not the full truth. If we haven’t found that out, then we have to keep searching until we do.

I know in my own case, I tend to think its all black and white. The fact is life is messy. When we share stories about life, it’s going to messy and have all different shades of color.

I believe each story changes the world; just one at a time.

Thanks for reading!




To Picture My Mom in Words

Hi Everyone,

Yesterday I shared about my dad some. Today, I am sharing about my mom through my own lens as she is today, and probably always has been.

My Mom is loving and kind. There are times she can be shy and quiet and even timid. But there are other times I see her vibrant,beautiful , and the ice breaker. Don’t ever mistaken her meekness for weakness. She is strong and compassionate. She considers love an action and being, rather than just words you say.

I have seen my mom at some of her lowest points and still she rises with her God by her side she can do it. She is happily married and a wonderful care taker in the right way.

She wants to fix the whole world sometimes  with love, or maybe its just because I am her kid, I see her that way.

You can tell her what you want and desire and she will pray with you. Afterwards she will help you get your mind on other things. She has a way of bringing peace to a situation that may be hard. But always in the background,  she is usually hatching a plan to help even more, if she can.

She is also good about pointing you in the right direction. I love my mom more than words could ever say. She has been more than patient with me over the years and I am grateful for that.

I cannot tell you her story; only my story about her is all I can say.

She has been my rock at times when I didn’t know what to do or where to turn, even at times when she has had to tell me, no.  There is always a lesson to learn in relationships with mothers. At times I call her my mama, mom, ma and at appropriate times I’ve even called her by her first name. Perhaps a couple of times just a little smart-alek .

You can sometimes find mom reading a book, while soup is slow cooking and she’s also enjoying a few, fresh-baked cookies or popcorn.

Conversations can happen where she is just talking about whatever and has your mind so derailed, that she shows you in the end her creative way to help you. She might even share what God did for her and her husband.

She loves her husbands sense of humor and they both have this contagious laugh. it makes you belly laugh, which is the greatest feeling.

She has stood with me and walked with me. She and her husband met me once at a coffee shop when I was in between living situations. I remember the way they prayed and cared for me at that time and even got me something to eat.

Believe me when I say, she has done a lot and more than most moms would.  It’s funny how life changes from a kid to a grown up. Suddenly you realize everything your mom’s ever done for you. There’s no way to pay her back for everything she has done.

Sometimes she sits quietly back shaking her head, I am sure. I know most of her days include, caring for her husband  and having to plan life on a daily basis.

This would have been good for Mother’s Day, but I’d rather celebrate my Mom today.

I love you Mom!

Thanks for reading!



Remember When…

Last night I was sitting quietly thinking about the whole weeks adventures and saying a prayer or two. Someone had posted an Alan Jackson song “Remember When” online and I listened to it.  The song made me think of different eras in my life and how I wished some of those events would have turned out differently. But it also made me grateful for how those same events ended.

I was newly sober one time, in my attempt of trying to stay on the wagon , living back home with my parents in my early 20’s. Oh how I loved coffee and still do. In fact it helps me deal first thing in the morning. But every morning Id wake and my spoon would rattle in the cup just driving my dad up the wall.

I would think, “oh great it’s not enough I am not drinking getting high the old man is gonna complain about me having the shakes and me enjoying my coffee.” Nothing would ever be good enough for him”, I said that a million times probably at least to myself. I was good at whining about that to anyone who would listen.

It hit me today when he finally came up with the solution way back when, if you take the spoon out of the cup it wont rattle. It did not sink in back then. Oh here’s another surprise if you sit down with your coffee you wont leave trail all over the house.

None of this ever clicked way back when. Today it just became clear after all those years ago thinking he just wanted to find something to complain about. I do remember at the meetings they would only fill my cup of coffee half way full and I resented it !

They did that, so I wouldn’t spill it every where and scald myself.

Most importantly, I remember when my Dad and I talked about my sobriety and what I was doing to get my life back on track. I’d say something like you should be happy I am not drinking and just taking off , being gone. Oh boy wrong mindset, he had his opinion and I wasn’t getting it.

So in other words, he’d say “you think we should celebrate the fact that you’re finally doing a few things you should have been doing all along? Let me know when you got a job and are paying bills etc and then maybe we’ll talk.” (This is just a paraphrased discussion of back then).

But here again all these years later , yes he was right . Life is a lot more about taking responsibility and doing the things you should have doing all along.

We do live in a world where everyone wants a participation prize because they breathing today. (Please don’t take this out of context I know there are people who depend on oxygen out of a tank of some sort). I am talking about healthy beings who think they deserve a prize for waking up today.

Let me honest for a minute, I haven’t always wanted to do the hard work and yes I wanted a trophy at times for doing nothing. But we can’t live that way. We also cannot be afraid for calling these things out, when they are happening right before our very eyes.

It’s a shame we have to worry about whether or not we are going to offend someone with our freedom of speech.

I guess today I just want to say,

Remember When:

  • Our dads didn’t leave our side
  • Our dads were not afraid of hurting our feelings and telling the truth
  • Respect was earned
  • Good hard work ethics were respected
  • Families stuck together and prayed together
  • Life was good and hard but we got through the day honestly

I remember when.

Thanks for reading!


Keep Moving Forward

Hi Everyone we reached a new level of 50 followers. I am pleased that everyone has followed and hope to bring about more positive and real readings. I am thankful for each of you.

I have titled today’s reading : “Keep Moving Forward.”

In life we have to deal with real , serious, numerous, and life changing events.  Sometimes, I think these moments are tests to see if we are truly paying attention. This doesn’t mean we just gloss over by moving forward. It means we deal the best we can and keep putting our best foot forward. In my own life, in the past these types of things which are tests, I labeled as deal breakers.

They became cop-outs for having not to participate in my own life. For not making my own decisions. For not taking responsibility for my life. Today I may have to take small breaks and realize I may not be in a position to make choices.

I can’t just keep on functioning in that mode and expect anyone else, to pick up the pieces. We don’t get to stop moving forward. Whether you’ve lost someone or a relationship has soured, lost a job, or friend has moved away, we don’t get to stop.

Make all the excuses we want. We still are responsible for our own life and happiness. No one can assume that job for us.  It may mean taking to pen and paper and finding the things to be grateful for. One group I go to, says find 10 things, another group says 20 things , to be grateful for.

What I am finding is in this round I am having to work on me and keep moving forward with my goals. Sometimes they correlate with each other but otherwise, it’s all separate.

We cannot always expect someone else, to understand exactly what we are going through.  In fact no one, will understand it all. It’s not my job to explain it all, so that they do understand it, either.

Sometimes things in life pop up so we have to be willing to be flexible and readjust time schedules. This is not a cop-out. Giving up is failing. Because to give up, means you’re saying you are not worth it, to even give it a try.

Whining that something is too hard, does not change a thing. Asking for help and suggestions can prove to yield, some good results. No one can do it for us.

Life is a journey we take with the risks of losing people, places, and things. We have a whole world of opportunity, before us. It hurts after people come in our lives and then must leave . It hurts when we have a great job and things are great , but then who you work for, has decided they need to downsize and that means your position is eliminated.

This gives us an opportunity to not begrudge but a way to move forward and excel in things that could be more beneficial. Our time line is left behind . So lets enjoy what we do today because in the end if all we have done is slaved over something we hate then we have not lived.

Thanks for reading!