Hi Everyone –
I am having to take a little bit longer break from Neurosis and Human Growth Series of Blog Posts for right now. It’s just a lot to do at one time. I will be returning to it. In the study of it all I have uncovered some truths about myself.
I think also as you can see from my latest post prior to this one , keeping stuff inside ourselves too long can make us sick. Perhaps even more sick than what we realize.
The way my post came out is because of sitting around the tables with some friends and ready to share about my journey sober and what it meant to me and then I didn’t realize what was happening until it happened.
Well even realizing I needed to share something I didn’t know if I was having a nervous breakdown or what. I am feeling somewhat of a mini depression. It sure has helped going to a couple of appointments today and then I just needed a long nap.
When you start uncovering emotional upheavals they are painful and as one wise person said you have to feel the feelings. Feel the pain go through the hurt. I didn’t want to do that at 8:30 am this morning and I refused to do so.
However this evening 11 hours later, I finally did at least talk about it one on one and some sense was made of it for me, at least in my head. I even burned a pizza in the process which now is somewhat humorous. When I get emotional and I am preparing food these things happen.
Years ago, a friend /life mate was preparing to go into the hospital and 4 of us were going to eat pancakes and sausage well the paper towels caught on fire and the pancakes burned and we really thought that would be the end of bad stuff happening.
I was washing dishes afterwards and as I was holding onto a plate and washing it, it would break in my hands . After 3 or 4 plate washings I was relieved of kitchen duty as well. My friends couldn’t afford for me to wash all of their plates . It was a very expensive dinner after all.
Tonight’s remedy was to get through a drive-thru window and say my good-byes to the pizza that burned. Sometimes for me it is scary and I am sure for a lot of others. It seems we spend a life time trying to dance and yet even more time, saying good-byes.
The good-byes seem hard and gut wrenching. We are often left wondering, God why did this have to happen? My life was changed by 2 different women and 1 baby girl all those years ago. Later it would be changed by 1 man later on.
The man who changed my life will be written about at another time. That is a story all of it own and we are still friends to this day.
I can’t explain everything that has gone on in my life, except to say sometimes life was healthy, but most of the time unhealthy.
Getting back to the original reason for this post. I have uncovered a lot and I have found a lot to grieve over and to maybe look at reasons to change . I have changed a lot over the years.
But there is more and better waiting for me if I just trust the process and work on me a lot more. I am not ready to finish the series on Neurosis and Human Growth. When I am ready I will write it.
In conclusion: I wonder if my life is nothing at all, while everything wonderfully and awesome made, all at the same time?
Thanks for reading!