Just News and Explanations

Hi Everyone –

I am having to take a little bit longer break from Neurosis and Human Growth Series of Blog Posts for right now. It’s just a lot to do at one time. I will be returning to it.  In the study of it all I have uncovered some truths about myself.

I think also as you can see from my latest post prior to this one , keeping stuff inside ourselves too long can make us sick. Perhaps even more sick than what we realize.

The way my post came out is because of sitting around the tables with some friends and ready to share about my journey sober and what it meant to me and then I didn’t realize what was happening until it happened.

Well even realizing I needed to share something I didn’t know if I was having a nervous breakdown or what. I am feeling somewhat of a mini depression. It sure has helped going to a couple of appointments today and then I just needed a long nap.

When you start uncovering emotional upheavals they are painful and as one wise person said you have to feel the feelings. Feel the pain go through the hurt. I didn’t want to do that at 8:30 am this morning and I refused to do so.

However this evening 11 hours later, I finally did at least talk about it one on one and some sense was made of it for me, at least in my head. I even burned a pizza in the process which now is somewhat humorous. When I get emotional and I am preparing food these things happen.

Years ago, a friend /life mate was preparing to go into the hospital and 4 of us were going to eat pancakes  and sausage well the paper towels caught on fire  and the pancakes burned and we really thought that would be the end of bad stuff happening.

I was washing dishes afterwards and as I was holding onto a plate and washing it, it would break in my hands . After 3 or 4 plate washings I was relieved of kitchen duty as well. My friends couldn’t afford for me to wash all of their plates . It was a very expensive dinner after all.

Tonight’s remedy was to get through a drive-thru window and say my good-byes to the pizza that burned. Sometimes for me it is scary and I am sure for a lot of others. It seems we spend a life time trying to dance and yet even more time, saying good-byes.

The good-byes seem hard and gut wrenching. We are often left wondering, God why did this have to happen? My life was changed by 2 different women and 1 baby girl all those years ago. Later it would be changed by 1 man later on.

The man who changed my life will be written about at another time. That is a story all of it own and we are still friends to this day.

I can’t explain everything that has gone on in my life, except to say sometimes life was healthy, but most of the time unhealthy.

Getting back to the original reason for this post. I have uncovered a lot and I have found a lot to grieve over and to maybe look at reasons to change . I have changed a lot over the years.

But there is more and better waiting for me if I just trust the process and work on me a lot more. I am not ready to finish the series on Neurosis and Human Growth. When I am ready I will write it.

In conclusion: I wonder if my life is nothing at all, while everything wonderfully and awesome made, all at the same time?

Thanks for reading!



An Open Letter to My Baby Girl

Dear Baby Girl,

I didn’t help create you but I took care of you for a while. I held you and I rocked you when you cried . It ripped my heart out to find you had died just before Christmas. Your mama and me would never be, but you would soar through life. Your mama was gonna make sure of that.

You had me at the first laugh and cry. I would swing you high above the ground .

I was there when you woke i the middle of the night and crying. I made you pancakes and hot dogs and hamburgers. We went to MeMaws and we’d swing on the swing. We’d get you down for a nap. I’d wash your clothes and try to do your hair the best a man could ever do.

Your Mama would laugh and say here leave her alone. We’d laugh together. Your mama  sent me packing said we don’t need you here no more . MeMaw did the same, I got too sick to be around really, anyone. I ended up in the hospital.

I finally ended up back home with my own mom and dad. Id try to check in because I loved you so. Then it was just too hard until computers came around and I found MeMaw and your mama again. Then I finally found you.

You were a carbon copy of your mama. You were fun and funny both. Relationships were hard for you, as I guess they are for all of us. I saw you as a strong young lady who wouldn’t take crap from nobody.

I could never go back to your mama I loved her so, but she didn’t love me. Not that way.

It was right before Christmas 8 months and so many weeks. You had to be rushed to the hospital . You said you were scared cuz you posted it on social media. That’s how I knew. I couldn’t even call your mama cuz she was such a mess, and all the family so devastated at the news.

You were 34 and lost the baby and you couldn’t survive losing. What would have been, the most wonderful breath of life. Nothing more precious than a brand new baby. What a miracle of God that would have been.

But then the most devastating part is when you faded fast away. I held it in for 2 or 3 months before I told anyone face to face. That was tonight my dear one. I didn’t even know I was gonna share it.

I’ve been so emotional over it and I don’t know how to just give it to God.

You were a miracle Baby Girl your breathed life and were playful just full of life. I can’t talk, all I can do is write. My heart is so torn apart. Your life was cut too short. It’s not fair in my eyes, but I am not God.

I miss you so much my Baby Girl. I am sober Baby Girl, I have been over 13 years.  I wish you could have experienced the newness of life being birthed. I wish that I could push you on the swing set  or rock you in my arms, just one more time.

I wish I could have kissed your forehead one more time. I wish I would’ve put a big enough band-aid to make you stay. To let you live your life a little bit more full. I know your mama and memaw would have wanted to do the same and I am sure I would have only been a fuzzy memory. But you always had a place in my heart, Baby Girl.

Love you Baby Girl

Neurosis and Human Growth Part – 3

Hi Everyone –

Today I will continue on to part 3 of Neurosis and Human Growth. I will say it again this has been quite an intensive study. At times much of it dense and boring. The part that intrigues me is seeing how it all works in me and the signs I see in myself and those around me.

I think in part, it has  even answered some questions in the behavior, of some loved ones and friends. When I boil this all down, it comes to working on myself and seeing how I might be more open, to realizing the true authentic self.

What I do know is most of us do have a large list of shoulds . I still believe a lot of these shoulds do come from our formative years and how we were raised. I think at times  it has even been one way in how we function and survive. Unfortunately , we have even projected our shoulds on to others.

Not only do we become critical and judging of ourselves.  but we even criticize others and impose our standards on others. This will lead us into self hate (in the next part and the resigned  neurotic in the final part). We end up criticizing because, we find as well as ourselves, others cannot live up to our idealized self standards.

What I have listed above falls into the neurotic pride and false self-confidence. The compulsive need for control and back to being exempt from rules, because of the thinking we should have special consideration. I believe its at this point we are even dependent on others to help us perpetuate this neurotic pride.

We cannot come off looking this way so if we can try and con our way into others, get them to attempt to hold up the standards we have set, then we are back in the saddle so to speak.

So while we failed and became some what resigned we are projecting our standards and rules upon others. When they fail then we beat them up for it. This is how we save our idealized self.

As long as we don’t have to look at our failures, we have become victorious. Because now we can look at those around us and blame them, for the failures. They did not follow our rules and behave the way we wanted them to. There must be consequences.

For me this has hit home. It’s like asking someone to hold up my fake show because others, might  find out I am not real. More importantly, I will have to face I am not real.

In this instance we have even further moved the distance between God and us.

To try to continue to live in a world not real with impossible standards and hostile towards everyone, who cannot meet those standards is crazy. I mean it is insane and we can never find true happiness trying to control the world and all of those around us.

Learning to have right standards and attainable ones is not easy. Time takes time, to heal.

Thanks for reading!



Hi This is Mike…

Hi Everyone, I am so worn out, but still wanted to write. So just for today I am taking a break from writing on the neurotic and will come back to it tomorrow and hopefully finish it with probably an extra post on Wednesday.

I am excited because I am uncovering facts about myself. I have looked at evidence over some of the things I have uncovered. I think its important to get past the labels and just remind myself who I am. There is good, bad, weird , quirky, and indifferent qualities and characteristics in who I am.

I have been through many changes and perhaps maybe no change at all at times. I love to write and I have a love/hate thing with people. I love to observe other people. I love parts of nature and times where I can be alone and talk to God.

I love to cook and take time enjoying my food. Though at times food has definitely been my drug of choice especially if I cannot smoke or do something to try and remove my uncomfortable feelings.  I have been in children’s homes when I was young.

I remember feeling I was in a fishbowl, as staff ran around with their clip boards.  I in turn went and got paper and pencil and paper and pen and started writing about them. When they demanded to see it I would scribble it up and make sure they never saw my feeling of hate and how much I despised them; they were not being honest with me.

I learned early on the game was get you to trust me and I will not be honest back. That really is how the system worked. Yes, it brings up much rage and anger. I hated people for that and yet what is funny is, I did trust people and find out they hurt you anyway.

I do believe I wanted to give everyone the benefit of doubt and I just ran  out of trust and patience. The biggest part was to later find, I did exactly the same to some others. I feel remorse and sorrow because others really were hurt.

I tried to booze and drug it away, nothing worked. I tried to kill myself and it never worked. I usually chickened out in the end, anyway.  From 19-28 years old I was a hot mess. All I really figured out in life was how to hurt myself and others. It was so far from the dreams my mind created. Happily ever after never came.

In my 30’s, it was all about rage and anger. Stability was never my strong suit and no one had a right to judge me as far as I was concerned. Suffice it to say though, going back in my 20’s  when a few of us lived on rivers drive and after a 2- 6 packs and joint I decided for another beer run. The farmers fence and tree almost hit the car I was driving with no license.

The farmer came up to the car yelling I said well they jumped out in front of me. It was enough to try to sober me up to the point I drove back down the road. I waited for my girl at the time, to get back and take me to the store and of course it was time for another joint.

That’s only part of my addictive craziness and to say anymore would only glorify it. In my 30’s as I said was and rage and anger and I definitely could not claim soundness of mind as the destruction that fell up on the living room furniture or my own physical body. Pure insanity and a melt down at work one day got me one way trip to the hospital.

How I still want to blame the systems and life for being so cruel and unfair. I still have to pick up the responsibility for my own actions. The kindness of strangers and trying to get back up on my feet was hard. Not knowing the damage I have done along the way.

I know when I was around 45 years old I had to check the obituary and follow a trail. I had to make sure the bastard, I blamed for everything gone bad was really dead. I am 51 soon to be 52 and realize the man I need to take responsibility and pick himself up is looking back at me in the mirror.

It’s not the monster from when I was 2-11 years old. Trust me he was a real monster! But the one’s responsibility it is to accept, is only me . Hi, This is Mike!

Thanks for reading!




Neurosis and Human Growth- Part 2

Hi everyone I am back with part 2 of my intensive study this weekend. I feel as though I might be having maximum brain over load. However this too shall pass.

Believe me when I say I could not swallow the words and say that I am neurotic. However, as I listened to the founder of the group share about it really being the misorientation of Gods Intent for me . That I could digest a lot easier.

The life of neurotic has two simple forms as one is his/her official life and the other is a secret private life. Yes, in fact living a double life. As I listened to others share and shared many examples of my own, I can say I am one too.

For the neurotic person there is so much that is of conscious choice and also unconscious choices. We have claims or if you prefer entitlements, or so we think we are to have them.

  1. The need to always be right
  2. To get by or around ( we need special consideration).
  3. Exempt from criticism , expectations, or efforts. (The rules don’t apply to me).

We will argue to keep our claims rather than look at them and find something is wrong. We often think we are the exception and we should be taken care of by providence. Again, I want to stress not all of these are where the neurotic person is even conscious of it all. Some of it he/she is aware consciously.

Many attributes of the neurotic  call for a change. This is most impossible seeing the neurotic doesn’t want or think they need to change their attitude. Further more if something needs done then perhaps others should do it for them. The neurotic does not want to be bothered.

Are these not some strong truths to digest ?

In many cases, I think we all want to get by with the least we can do, and still get the most we can get, with least amount of effort. I would think hardly anyone wants to admit they are this selfish.

However the characteristics of claims or entitlement is one of vindictiveness. The base of these claims still is superiority. What I am really stating is my needs are more important.

We often exaggerate our qualities to reinforce our claims, which becomes a vicious cycle.

We do go through the feeling of being abused rage, anger,and righteous indignation if our claims are ever challenged.

We seem to have an internal conflict going on, but the better we can hide it (even from self) all the better, because we don’t want to have to face our conflict, or see it if we can help it.

In essence what I have learned about holding on to claims or entitlement means we are living in an imaginary world. We want the magic to work. But it just brings more conflict especially when others around us are holding up mirrors.

I have paraphrased and taken a lot of liberties to shorten this. Otherwise, it could take many hours to explain this, in its entirety. I will be adding more about the neurotic in my blog entries. This, in itself is a lot to digest.

Thank you for reading!


Neurosis And Human Growth- Part 1

I am excited to share details of this weekend. But, it has just begun.  It is an intense weekend of looking back over what I have been study the past several weeks. Now I am looking inside myself, with a group of others who have been doing, the exact same thing.

I might add we are doing this with the Christian perspective to see how close to God we are moving to Him or away. One realization is when I am moving away from God its almost as if I am in competition with God. Our views get distorted we accept the idealization, in our minds for truth and the truth we dare not look at.

While this book is very dense, I believe the ones who can understand it are the very ones who have misorientation (even disorientation) or rather have distorted everything from the way God made our identity in Him.

This is one of those things where we truly look at ourselves and take stock. However, this doesn’t mean we automatically get fixed up and bandaged and take a couple aspirins and we are all healed up. Its a little bit more complex, than that.

What it does mean is that I can place myself a in a group and put my stuff out there in a trusted community, without going overboard and hear the truth put back to me. The next part is for me to hear and accept it. But I will say I have not felt judged. You know why? We are all in the same boat. You can’t throw rocks when you live in a glass house.

What tonight entailed us doing was identifying with the neurotic and defining that neurosis in our own lives and see where we held claims. Why does this keep happening to me? We think the rules should be different because we have extenuating circumstances.

It wasn’t that long ago I was in a session with my therapist and I was my usual articulative self with some four letter words about why life is so hard at every turn and that it is not fair for everything to be a such a struggle. I screamed at him. After all he is a therapist it probably was his fault somehow. (I am kidding about that).

Seriously , though what I have found is we do hold some people personally responsible, because they did something 50 years ago; that life is just too hard now because of it. the neurotic doesn’t want to look at reality or accept any responsibility for himself.

My favorite  when I used to drink, that doesn’t count! I was drunk.  I couldn’t accept I was still responsible for my actions. Albeit that’s only one ,  but what about when I am sober? I haven’t wanted to accept responsibility then either. Maybe, we really do want to accept responsibility.

In the life of a neurotic they have built up so many schemes and functions that they have barricaded themselves inside. They cant see the truth for what it is. Yes, the truth is also, they don’t want to see it and become ashamed and humiliated. The only way to heal is to knock down the false self.

That’s a lot to ponder on and I will leave you with that to chew on.

Thanks for reading!



What Writing Does For Me

How I love this time to get away and shut everything else out, but the writing. It’s important for me  to be away from life’s distractions. It’s that time out from the world and life and just reflecting on, or learning something new and different.

Maybe its reflecting on my parents and their parents , beliefs and how they lived them out instead of preaching about them. Maybe its still watching your Grandma in action and how well she loves others.

Sometimes when I can really just be away and reflect on my mom I can still see the entryway  and living room of my childhood home. There’s a vanilla candle lit on tiny table in the entry way and fresh-baked chocolate chip cookies from the oven.

Many times my mom and aunt trying to figure out how to feed all 20 of us, at the time. This was true when I was in my teens. So many things are connected with that time and space. Some are sad, some are happy. It helps me cope to look back on these thing.

There was so much to learn at the time, but I shrugged a lot of it off.

I would run away when things got hard. I loved being in my room even back then and write about things. It was usually, to get away from the some of the harsh realities.

The truth is this, I cannot tell my family’s story. I can only share my story. The harsh reality was this, I loved and love my family, even today. I didn’t know how to show love and still sometimes today, I still don’t know how to show love.

We had a lot of glory days. We loved, we bled, and we shed hard and bitter tears. But we loved no matter what. That’s the truth! This is where writing brings me to. It’s not about telling stories on each other. Its reminiscing and remembering we were doing the best we could with what we had.

Like any life, some days were golden and others were not so good.

The number one rule in writing, is to tell the truth. But alas, everyone has their own version of the truth. Maybe today, I grieve for some of the glory days and that’s what helps me to keep on writing. That’s what takes me back to real love .

My family opened their doors and hearts. My grand parents, my aunts and uncles, cousins, and nephews and nieces, even as those relationships have changed over the years. It was all love. We all wanted love and we wanted to give love.

In the end, the writer finally realizes he gets away in his writing. He looks for everything, everywhere else. He always wanted more and wanted to give more. He wanted his freedom. He wanted prove himself. He wanted to change the world and fulfill his dreams.

He wanted to rid the world of the hostility, rage, and bitterness.

His writing always brings him home.

Thanks for reading!


What is Enough?


Hi Everyone,

Here I am again asking you all to revisit the thoughts on Enough (not the political part that seems to be going viral across the internet world).

I realize I may seem repetitive bringing up my OneWord (Enough) for the year.

What is enough? I am enough. I have enough in me to accomplish the goals and new adventures I want to experience and realize. I have enough to pay my bills to be a contributing member of society. I have goals and dreams just like anyone.

Enough means I can change with just one step, at a time and it is all just one day at a time. All I have is twenty four hours to do with. In that twenty-four hours I have choices to make. I must remember not making a choice is a choice as well.

No one can define my word for the year, but me. It is all up to me to make it or not. These days of late, I find myself asking if I have done all I can do for this, one day. There is more to me than anyone will ever know, besides God. This is true for all of us.

I believe there is a craziness that exists with in all of us and it is up to us to turn that around for ourselves. We cannot change that for one another. It is up to each of us to change that for ourselves. I know I want a life that is productive and where I can grow and help others do the same.

I think a lot of life is actually reprogramming ourselves. It starts with ridding ourselves of the toxic shame. Please don’t confuse this with being ashamed of the one or two bad things, maybe we do need to be ashamed of. But I believe even that shame can be healed through confession and change.

We have to let go of the self-hate and start grabbing on to life, with all the strength we can muster. It is not always easy to walk through but it is simple. We have to forgive others and let go of the things that have scarred ad wounded us.

Yes, most of us have our secrets neatly piled beneath a carpet somewhere. But you see, I know there is enough in me to change all this bad stuff. The thing is I do know I cannot do it all alone I need help from God, family, and friends.

Each day the choice is up to me.  But I cannot spend all my time just making choices it takes action of some kind. My choices get made through my actions and not words alone.

We can celebrate the victories and even the small stuff too. When you have enough there is no time to rest in the victory. You just have to do whats in front of you. You may never know whose life you are making a difference for, but usually its your own. If someone else is moved by your experience and testament through actions, then it is all the better.

This is enough.

Thanks for reading!


Maybe it Will Happen, Maybe it Won’t

Hi Everyone,

I haven’t addressed everyone in a few posts until now. So I wanted to say as always, great to have each one of you reading my blog entries. It’s also great to see new faces and names. I hope you enjoy this evening’s reading.


Maybe it will happen, maybe it won’t. If there’s one thing about this post, I might call it the “Procrastination’s Chronicle. If any of you are like me I go from extremes to being really Gung-ho and ready to go all barrels loaded. Then as soon as I find a reason, everything gets laid aside and nothing gets done.

I think when we start anything we are full of what are bright ideas to ourselves and as soon as we try on the best laid pieces we have picked out we realize how silly some of them seem to be. Then we start backing out of the deal bit by bit.

Again, if you’re like me you just cant throw it all away. I mean what happens if by some small chance and I mean minute chance, everything works out and we get the big break through we have been looking for?

Well sometimes, I think I forget I need to ready for follow ups behind what could be great, or even considered a break through. You must be quick on your feet, and not just be waiting for things to happen to you. Opportunity is not going to crawl up to your house and bang on the door, to let you know its available for you.

Consistency and persistence, if there’s anything my parents taught, I would day those two things right there, are number one.  You do everything you have with excellence,but I will assure you of this one thing. There will be crappy disasters and you will  want to hide under a rock.

But if anything good is supposed to come from it all. You will have to dust yourself off and take the good things, and find out what works with those things. You will have to keep going and doing the next right thing. If you’re not willing to do the work, then no you will not succeed.

You also take the parts of the crappy pieces and dust those off and you see how they might fit elsewhere. Everything we behold, is an opportunity for success.

We have a choice today. If someone tells you your craft is crap , take and make it better. If you really feel you can’t improve on it any better, then keep trying to sell it without fixing it.

Writing or any thing else we do that is successful in life, is not for wimps! We also don’t sell our souls to the Devil  just because he makes remarks.

We keep moving forward and we do not stop for anyone to push us down. The gamble is, it might happen ,but it may not.  It’s important we prepare for the bumps in the road, and take a little constructive , criticism. We can always improve.

Thanks for reading!


I Could Be a Professional List Maker

I have been reading, writing, and listening to many stories over the past two months now, on how to plan and do better.

After all isn’t what we want?  To be able to wade through and knock everything out, so we can get on to the fun things in life. We plan and prepare ahead of time and write so many lists in many different ways. We could bake, boil, broil, and or fry, our lists on how to get things done. But if we don’t take the action, nothing gets done except making lists.

I think making lists means, making one that is realistic to get done in one day. I think a lot of times we try to keep up with so many other things, that we end up making impossible lists for ourselves. What better way to sabotage ourselves and our productivity?

It’s a defeatist attitude, to make these lists that are so long, that by the time we read them they have worn us plumb out.  I know this by experience. I think sometimes we have to pick whats absolutely most imperative, to get done and say no, to the rest of it.

We were not meant to be super humans 365 days a year. This is why I stress taking rests are important. It’s not just even the physical rest, but spiritually, and emotionally as well. If we start out each day  less than fully charged, we will give up with in the first two hours.

So to the ones who say please, no!  Dont give us the brush your teeth, make your bed lists, and have in mind 3 meals for the day. I say yes, it has to be this simple. Because its part of the self-care that is so important that if you skip it, you are sabotaging yourself the rest of the day and nothing will get accomplished.

I am that person, who has been there and done this. So I say yes keep it simple do what you have to. It’s fine to keep notes and be ready for unexpected changes and bumps in the road. But to try to check 50 plus things through out the day is insane.

There I said it! It’s insane to think we can keep up with high level of today’s life and take care of ourselves. Why would you want to stress yourself out to the max and get very little in return for it?  Do what you can. All we have in any day is twenty-four hours and at least eight of those hours need to be dedicated to sleep.

Without the proper rest and sleep we are burning both ends of the candle. Yes a cliché, but its true. Which means we get burned in the middle of our day to keep up with such insanity.

Keep your lists  simple, say no to a lot more things, and take care of yourself. Without taking care of yourself, you’re not just hurting yourself, but those who love and adore you.

You’re more than a human-doing . You are a human being.

Thanks for reading!